Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
