dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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