do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
