Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
