My balls are so social today.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
