tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
