just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
