Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
