i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
