1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
