I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
