Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Randomize
