You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
