sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
