I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
its liver damage thursday
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
