Cold hands, warm shart.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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