Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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