We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
