the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
