Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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