That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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