i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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