why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
