The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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