Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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