a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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