Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
My vagina is very pro this idea
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