Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
