remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
