She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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