I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
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