It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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