It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
