The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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