Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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