He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
