So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
A bitchslap is in order.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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