Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
