Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
