my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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