I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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