I met the friendliest cop last night
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
