we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
