4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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