She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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