I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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