I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
