I got chris browned last night
Apparently you make a good broom.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize