I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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