is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Can vaginas get frostbite?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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