you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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