Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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