Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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