So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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