i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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