Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
My bed smells like the plague
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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