At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
