Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I just had sex on a roof
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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