All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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