dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
